Conditions of an Unconditional Love
CONDITIONS OF AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
by K.L.M. Kathel
copyright, © 2009
An Exploration of Love
Much has been written about ‘Unconditional Love’ a love without conditions. That’s a lot like saying that love, ‘true love’ has no conditions and holds no boundaries… no rules…
In this series I intend to explore several ideas revolving around the concept of love. It is by no means complete, and indeed is not intended to be. In fact, I invite each of our readers to make comments relating to each section. I am not looking for agreement, but merely an expansion of ideas for each person has his or her own definition of what love is or is not.
Spiritual Beings, First
Spiritual beings first, humans second; and in our divinity let us never forget about our humanity. This is a golden rule to live by; yet how can we live by it unless we are taught it, first. And what better way to learn this golden rule then to learn it from someone who practices it. Then, and only then can it be taught; and yes, then learned. In essence then, we are looking for a first teacher; one is, was, and ever shall be an entity capable of unconditional love. We are looking for someone who will accept our human failings and guide us toward our higher humanitarian aspirations. We are looking for a qualified teacher. For most, that earthly teacher here on earth is a parent; a person to whom we share a common bloodline or genetic connection. Yet, truth be told, not all earthly parents are loving; and therefore, not all parents are good teachers. Some even making the worst of teachers, for having been mislead, they neither learned this golden rule themselves, nor do they practice what they preach. Matter of fact, they may break every rule known to man; some intentionally, and some unintentionally. What do we do then? Who do we turn to? My answer is, we look for someone capable of an unconditional love. We look toward heaven and to our first teacher, the teacher within. We look for God and/or to our Higher-Self; for who else but God or Higher-Self is capable of an unconditional love.
The above paragraph is a spiritual ideal of the highest order. And oh, how so many of us attempt to achieve it; first in ourselves and then to pass it along to those we love, care for, or befriend. And we attempt to achieve it, whether or not we have firsthand experience of it. For always there is an innate knowingness of what true love looks and feels like. The soul knows what the body does not; for the soul is eternal but the body temporal. And so, if we have not experienced something here in this one lifetime, still the soul will remember yet another lifetime; if not here, then in some heavenly realm. And through that memory, we can call it down; and yes, even manifest it in the here and now, if not to another human then to an animal, bird, or any other living creature. We can reconnect with an all-loving God who has no bounds. For the soul remembers what we cannot. It is to this soul that I speak to now because I am asking you to remember. I am asking you to remember being held in the bosom of a loving Mother and held in the arms of an all protective Father. I am asking you to remember your First-Parent, your First-Teacher. I am asking you to remember who and what you are and from whence you come. I am asking you to dig deep and look into the heart that beats within. I am asking you, to find the real you—the child who knows about unconditional love because you have been loved unconditionally; not by any earthly parent but by a Parent who has loved you from The Beginning.
Marital Love
What marital union, whether civil or religious does not contain any contractual agreements? We say, “till death do us part” or “to honor and obey” or, I promise to be faithful to you in matters of love and sex. Are we really talking about an unconditioned love here, or, are we really saying that a marital love is founded upon a committed long term relationship of trust? The man is saying to the woman, I trust that when I go to work or when I am working overtime, you will be there for me when I come home at night and that you have not invited another man into our bedroom. Likewise, the woman says to the man, I trust that when you are working late you are not engaging in an extra-marital affair. This is trust. This is faith in a marriage. It is not blind and it is not without boundaries, but instead is built on a foundation of mutual respect. It is not built upon a lack of rules or guidelines. Nor is it built upon an unconditional love, for certainly this kind of love has conditions to it. And so, a marital love, by its very definition cannot fall under the category of an unconditional love.
True Love
They say, true love is like good wine—it must be aged before it can be appreciated. That is a good analogy if the wine is produced using the finest of grapes; fermented with the right ingredients, stored under the right conditions; not subjected to the light and kept at the right temperature. Then, it is corked to insure its original consistency, flavor and fragrance. But as we all know, we can take the most expensive of wines, pop the cork, expose it to the air; and within a matter of months end up with a bitter tasting vinegar instead of vintage wine. Without proper care, we can take a good thing and make it bad.
The same holds true in matters of love. If we are kept under wraps (kept in the dark), not properly trained in the conditions of the good life, not guided by our core principles, our values may become depleted and we loose all sense of boundaries. Like the leftover wine, we loose our fragrance, are exposed to unsavory conditions or unsavory people.
These differences also apply however: Whereas light destroys good wine, we are made better for it because we can see both inside and out. Whereas air has a detrimental effect on wine because its essence is released into it; we are made free because we can escape the confines of a controlled environment that was keeping us bottled up so that our true essence is not allowed to ferment or expand. In short, as people we need both air and light. Not so with wine, however, intoxicating as it can be!
Therefore, in matters of love, let us also not be intoxicated or blinded by the light. True love comes, not when we are denied access to our true natures, but when we are allowed to express them. In the same regard, we must also allow the other full expression of theirs. Unlike bottled wine, as people we demand an open relationship; and an open relationship is based upon a sense of mutual trust. We trust that what is inside the bottle is just as good and wholesome as what is openly displayed on the outside. True love must have the right label. True love is priceless! … and as enduring as the very sun itself.
Parental Love
What loving, caring and responsible parent says to the child, I promise to love you but only if you obey my rules. But should you disobey my rules, if you do not do your homework, or clean up your room when I say you should then I will not only punish you by grounding you or letting you go to bed without dinner but I will also punish you by denying you my love. For the younger child it might be the simple denial of a smile, a hug or a cookie; and for the older child it might taking away the keys to the family car. Even more drastic might be telling the elder child, you have been disinherited; are no longer my son or daughter; or have been eliminated from my Will.
Or, does the loving parent say to the child, although I love you there are still rules that must be carried out; but should you not do so, you shall try to do a better job next time. The punishment should not exceed the thing wrongly committed; but rather, is implemented as a reminder so that the child does not make the same mistake the next time around. Punishments are meant to guide and to instill a sense of individual responsibilities; and in my view, the sole role of the parent is to prepare the child for an adult life. We teach the child right from wrong, and in effect, attempt to speed up their learning curve. To achieve this, we mimic the rewards and retributions instilled in us by our adult counterparts. As a reward for our hard work, at the end of the week we receive a paycheck from our employer. Should we not do what is expected of us we may find ourselves without a job and on the unemployment lines. We are not rewarded for bad performance. And so, as parents when the child does not do their homework or their household chores, instead of a reward, their allowance is denied. This does not mean, however that we stop loving them. On the contrary, we may love them more; or at least in other areas display that love so that the love and respect earned is not clouded by the lessons being taught or learned. We are not their employer, you see, and our role as parents holds a much higher status because we are there to be role models for them. Such is the nature of the loving parent-child relationship.
The Meaning of Friendship
A friendship is a special bond between two or more people. It has nothing to do with genetics or bloodline; and has very little to do with romanticism, or lust, or sexuality; yet ironically, it is a kind of love. What draws us together in friendship may very well be the same thing that ends up separating us. For example, we may join a bikers club simply because we enjoy cycling and wish to meet others of like mind. In the process, we meet others to whom we form a friendships with. But as life would have it, should our interest wane as we depart the club we leave our friendships behind also. In this case, it was the idea that held us together rather than the individual person.
In other types of friendship the commitment is to the person rather than to the idea. We meet a person to whom we form a lasting emotional bond. We enjoy their company, or their sense of humor, or their outlook on life. More times than not, we do not really know why we like being around them, but simply do. There is a certain degree of comfort when we are in their presence. Matter of fact, in this type of friendship we are really being attracted to their ‘Presence’ more so than to anything else. And so, we simply say, I like you, or, I enjoy being in your company. This is true friendship… a true bond.
Still, there are other types of friendships that are formed because of something that is thrust upon us. We did not openly seek it or attempt to track it down, but rather is was something that was put in our path without us calling it forth. A good example of this might be attending a wedding in which we are part of the wedding party only to find out during the course of the evening that we have much in common with the partner chosen for us. We not only get along but may actually become friends. So that, I am not talking about any kind of physical, emotional, mental or spiritual trauma imposed by outside forces that seek to rob us of our identities; and our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness but something positive and conducive. The outside event may have been the catalyst that brought us together but it is our own personalities that becomes the basis of our friendship.
Bonds of Friendship
When the child, adolescent or adult becomes victimized part of the healing process is to find others who may have experienced the same or similar kinds of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual trauma—and yes, if possible, how they overcame it. The hope is to find others who not only appreciate where we are coming from, but also, where we wish to go. In this type of friendship we are seeking understanding but on a soul’s level. This is imperative because the hurt is so deep and so profound that the only way for a scared person to open up or to expose their inner most hurt is to share it with someone who will understand not only the root causes but then to give positive suggestions and guidelines on how to become a Survivor instead of a victim. We are seeking coping skills so that we can meet the challenges of everyday life. Bonds are formed, bonds are strengthened and bonds become long lasting. The bond of friendship here is recovery—not pity, not loathing, but a true bond of friendship. We say, I am your friend because I understand you! That understanding does not diminish or disappear should we depart and go our separate ways. For unlike a group that is brought together by a common idea, (like a biker’s club), the bond formed here is a deep emotional bond that has no boundaries but is build upon a solid foundation of mutual love and respect; not only for the person but for the soul dwelling within that person.
Christian Love: A Brief Analysis
Besides honoring and obeying the Old Testament Ten Commandments, Christianity professes another that says, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself” (Mk 12:31; Mt 5:43). But what does this mean? John’s forth deviates from this major Christian premise by taking it a step further by instructing us that it is a noble thing to lay down one’s life for a friend. (Jn 15:9-18). In essence he is telling us that if we love one another then God will love us also. And as beautiful as this passage is, the author of John’s forth is setting up a condition. He is saying that God will love us just as long as we love God. If we do not abide in God’s love then our branches would whiter away or worse yet be cast into a hellish fire. Certainly this kind of love is not conducive to an unconditional love that many of us seek from our God, a God that holds no bounds and is as limitless as time itself. And so, the words, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (Jn 15:12) is very different than the Marcan passage where one of the scribes asked Jesus saying, “Which commandment is first?” And Jesus replied, “The first is, ‘Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one; and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mk 12:31). But then he adds something extraordinary. Jesus then said, “There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Self-Love and Selfish Love
Love of God… Love of self… There is no greater commandment then these said Jesus; yet how many of us can abide by this one simple truth: To love another as one’s self. You see, it’s not the love of a neighbor or comrade or friend that takes center stage, but the love of self that becomes key. Yet how many of us fail to recognize our own self worth, or lose it to the whims and dictates of another. We do good works for others but never take the time to consider that we are at the center of that love. We think, and erroneously so, that to love our self is a selfish act; when in fact just the opposite be true. For in order to truly love another, we must first love our self. How else can we ever reach a point of loving our neighbors as our self. And to do that, we must know and accept the self; and yes, with all its flaws and idiosyncrasies. We must come to the point of feeling comfortable in our own skins. Often this is not something that can be taught, but rather it is a matter of developing a kind of mutual respect for our selves, our life experiences and what we can achieve by them. We do good to another, not always because they have done good by us, but rather, we do good works because inherently we are good people. We can even say, and rightly so, that we are good Christians.
Unconditional Love
Yet in our religious faith let us not forget about or dismiss all the other religions and religious people of the world, for even though they may not profess our Christian faith, still they are good people. For we hold no special copyright on this word goodness; nor can we hold claim to an unconditional love that says, to love thyself first is akin to loving God. For where else do we find God but inside of self. So to love thy God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind, and with all our strength is to find God, not outside of self but inside, the place it has always been. And as God loves us unconditionally, so too, we must love ourselves unconditionally. This does not mean that we cannot impose a set of rules on our behavior or ethical guidelines on which to live by, for always there is room for improvements; but it does not mean that we have the right to denigrate ourselves simply because we make mistakes or are prone to errors in judgment. For always the golden rule to live by is our primary condition.
The Conditions
We are spiritual beings first, humans second; and in our divinity let us never forget about our humanity. Conversely, in our humanity, never let us forget about our divinity. For are we not made in the image of God… a God that does not set conditions on our love. Neither shall we be denied access to it either for self or for others. In conclusion, therefore, we must love our self as unconditionally as God loves us. Having come full circle, these then are the conditions of an unconditional love espoused by Jesus as the eleventh commandment. That you love yourself!